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Solitude….at last.

“Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted.  Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world.”  ~Hans Margolius

Finally, after so long my husband and four boys just left to play volleyball and the house is quiet.  I may have two hours of peace and quiet.  No blaring tv, no talking, no music…just the trickle of the fish tank that is home to our two shelled pets.  Sitting on the sofa, I can hear the soft exhales of my dog breathing in sleep as he, too, enjoys this little bit of quiet.  Tis wonderful to have peace, something I crave and rarely get.  Most women I know seek out solitude, if only for a half hour or even fifteen minutes carved into their day.  I need this-some soul time-to breathe, reflect, pray, hear my thoughts. and just do whatever I wish…be it nothing at all.

I completely understand the essence of the quotation I placed at the top of this post.  My life tends to be like the distorted surface of the water after a rock is tossed into it.  On these rare occasions where I do get a real taste of solitude, the surface of my ‘water’ becomes still and reflective just like a mirror.  And in that stillness I can think clear thoughts and see things like I can at no other times.

Ah, sweet solitude.

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My Happy Place

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
Henry David Thoreau
A charming storybook stone building

About a year and a half ago I attended a retreat held on the grounds of a Franciscan convent very close to my house.   I always knew it was there, but I had never taken the time to explore it, nor did I feel I was allowed there.  It was simply a place I had driven past hundreds of times in the 12 years since I moved here. 

The building we used for the retreat is nestled on a lovely expanse of woods that are part of the campus of the Franciscan Sisters of the Sacred Heart.  While there, I learned the Sisters don’t mind sharing their woods because after I asked permission, the Sister graciously told me it would be fine for me to bring my dog there for daily walks.   I knew right away this was something very special and I felt so blessed to have the opportunity to enjoy this whenever I wanted.   When you are there walking along the paths, if you listen close enough, you can almost hear God whispering to you as you stroll through the trees and listen to the birds chirp while the squirrels rustle by up the trees. 

This is the 'tundra' as I call it...the more rustic path that goes past the brook.

This amazing place, affectionately known to my dog as ”da woods!” is my happy place.  It’s where I love to go with my dog and watch him run untethered through the trees at top speed with unadulterated joy like only a dog can do.  He listens so well, comes when called and only goes so far before he turns around to check where I’m at.  Then he runs back to tag me with his paws and run off again.  I feel a sense of peace in these woods.  I feel like God is right there with me-with us.   It is a place I wouldn’t dream of wearing an Ipod while walking…that would almost be sacriligious to drown out the sounds of nature (and God) to listen to music. 

I love the weathered statuary peppered throughout the grounds.

This is truly one of my most favorite places to be and I’m so lucky that it’s only 4 minutes from my house.  I am very blessed, but I think Xander would say he was the ‘blessest.’

Xander somehow knows St. Francis loves him.
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Thank YOU Anne Lamott

Like most women, I struggle with body acceptance.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not thinking about, obsessing over or self-loathing about my weight and how I appear in the eyes of others.  I’m not really happy with my size.   I have to admit, though, I do love myself.  I adore me, what I’m about,  how I view the world, my artfulness, and my tendency to think in flowers.  I do, however, find it difficult to smile down on my ever expanding waistline and blossoming butt.  If I could change three things about me it would be to grow a longer chin, stretch out my neck and have thin upper arms.  I could deal with the rest. 

Trying to find a positive, healthy way to look at my external self has gotten a little easier since I read Anne Lamott’s book Travelling Mercies…Some Thoughts on Faith.  Her chapter entitled The Aunties was like a breath of fresh air.  It brought tears to my eyes and made me realize I am being much too hard on myself.  She discusses the way she has dealt with her own body image struggles (she hates her butt and thighs and the nappy hair she was born with) as a middle aged woman and while on vacation at the beach with her son she adopts a loving, whimsical way of looking at her imperfections and ultimately accepting herself that is both funny and enlightening.   

   Anne on applying makeup to cover her aging face:

 I wasn’t thinking that I looked awful and wanted to look like someone else; that is the point at which you can come dangerously close to female impersonation.   I just remembered that sometimes you start with the outside and you get it right. You tend to your spirit through the body.  It’s polishing the healthy young skin of that girl who was there just a moment ago, who still lives inside.  It’s saying that sometimes maybe one looks a little pale and wan and wants to shine a little light on oneself.  Then, when you’re in that honoring place, it’s almost like makeup becomes a form of light, just as on those days when a little cloud cover makes you really notice the sun’s rays that come slanting through.  Maybe the key is simply a wry fondness for the thing you’re slapping this stuff onto, instead of a desire to disguise; so it’s not that you’re wearing a coat of paint, but a mantilla.

If you haven’t read Travelling Mercies, I suggest you take a copy out at your library, cozy up on the sofa and read it.  Anne is a genuine person whom I believe speaks the truth.  She says it the way it is and I embrace that.

Anne implied something that resonated within me and enabled me to think for the first time that despite the fact that I am not a thin woman and I have issues and struggles with my body, I should love my physical self and embrace my body because it is the very thing that houses my spirit-my lovely, perfect spirit that is the essence of who I really am. 

 

human behavior, Uncategorized, women

Just in case your momma didn’t tell you….

Okay, I have to write this post. I’m getting older, closer to menopause and very intolerant of people who are totally inconsiderate of others. Lately I’ve had a series of disappointing interactions with grown adults who seem to have never learned good manners.  I’m sick to death of people who are total assholes so completely self absorbed they don’t even begin to think about the reprocussions their actions have on others.  Nor do many of them care.  See the strikeout and you’ll know why.  I’m sure many of you have experienced these same incidents and have been equally as bothered as I am. As incredulous as I am that people can be so ignorant of these common courtesies, I do realize I, too, am not perfect, having fallen off the wagon many times myself. And I certainly have been guilty of the following at times, too, but I do really try to not commit these things.  Regardless, I feel compelled to say it, so here it goes:

1. Say “Thank You” and be grateful to someone who is doing you an enormous favor or good deed, despite how much you may resent the favor or the situation that brings about the favor. This failing, for me, falls under the “No good deed goes unpunished” column.

2. Providing it’s not a spammer or someone you really dislike (in which case you should make it clear you aren’t interesting in corresponding-hey, we are adults here), if you get an email from someone and they are clearly hoping for a reply or at least the courtesy of some kind of indication that you received their email,  please respond back in a very timely manner. If you can’t write back a lengthy reply at that moment, send a quick note back saying you received their email and you didn’t forget about them and you will (try to) reply at length later on, or the next day or whenever you can make the time. Don’t leave people hanging. It’s damn rude.

3. If you haven’t got something good to say-shut up. No one wants to be subjected to your negativity.

4.  Don’t be a “Poo Poo Promiser.”   When you say you are going to be somewhere or do something for or with someone-do it, unless there’s something really urgent keeping you from following through.  Especially, don’t cancel at the last minute-I’m referring to those times when you just don’t feel like doing it.  Give some notice.   When I was much younger I was guilty of doing this exact thing.  I was a bad poopoo promiser-primarily because when I was growing up people in my life thought nothing of doing it to me.  It was the way I was raised.  My mother in law broke me of this really awful habit by calling me on it (very angrily, I might add) when I did it to her.  She  made me realize how wrong it is to do that to someone.  As a result, now I try very hard to always do what I say I’m going to do.  I’m still not perfect, but I’m continually working on it.   This brings me to my next point…

5.  If you don’t want to do something, don’t say you will just because you are too cowardly to say you don’t want to.  Remember Nancy Reagan’s slogan, “Just say no.”  It doesn’t always pertain to drug use…it’s a helpful phrase you can apply to daily life, too.  Be firm and say what you mean.  It took me till the age of 40 to finally say “NO” to solicitors trying to sell me magazines at my door.  

6.  Unless your mother (or father) is a serial killer, sexual deviate, abusive or dead-call them despite how much they piss you off or how much they drive you crazy.  They need you more than you think and you just might be surprised at how much you might need them.  And if you definately refuse to associate with your living parent, don’t have your hand out when they die.  That’s just unscrupulous.

7.  Oh yeah, and about your childhood?   Get over it.  (I’m speaking in generalities here, not to those who’ve suffered terrible abuse (of any kind) at the hands of a very sick adult.  Obviously, those are exceptions that should not be made light of.) 

My mom always said, “What goes around, comes around,” and she usually said that when someone had wronged her or someone else.  I do believe this is so true.  Don’t let Karma bite you in the butt.  If you have any of these annoying habits, maybe think about taking a look inward and consider working on improving yourself.  It’s so frustrating to deal with people who are totally inconsiderate. I’m still working on my bad habits…..So there, I’ve said it!

Let me know what kinds of things you’ve experienced in your life that really annoys you about other people… (Possibly very blunt bloggers who just SAY IT like me, lol!)

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What I really want and need from Art

It’s really satisfying when one day all the thoughts you’ve been hashing over for what seems like months come to a cohesive whole and suddenly, you realize something you’ve pretty much known all along.  This happened to me just a few weeks ago.

I have known all through my life that art is my calling…..Every single day I wake up thinking about art, wishing I had more time during the day to just wallow in it.   Sometimes I have the time to paint or draw, but most times I don’t.  (It’s actually not time that’s the factor, it’s a combination of complicated things.) One thing I enjoy more than almost anything is participating in group art.  I always have.  I love sitting around a table with like minded folks creating our own individual projects, sharing and communicating through the process.  I read about the most amazing art retreats on the West Coast and I want so badly to be there.  And  Anahata’s Bali art retreats are a total dream to me…and on my bucket list.  I enjoy this a whole lot more than simply painting with the main intention to make profits from my art.  (I am not an idiot, however.  If I had offers from someone to purchase my work, I’d sell if the price were good, or if I had licensing companies seeking me out, I’d be waving my hand, “Right here!”) What I am saying is, those things are fine, but really the goal here-for me-is to spread the joy of art and share creativity so everyone benefits.  It’s not always about the product. 

More than anything, I love sharing art with other people and introducing them to the joy of art and the benefits it can bring.  I also understand the value art has in helping people express themselves in a non-verb way.  Group art makes my heart sing.  This epiphany has led me to realize a possible mid-life career path. 

I'm currently reading this to gain more insight on the whole process.

I am now reading books on art therapy and how art heals the soul.  I have several books in my personal collection and I’m just beginning to read them.  I have often toyed with the idea of how wonderful it would be to have a business where I could organize and conduct women’s art retreats.  To me this would be a dream come true.  I think women need time away and pampering and a chance to really sit down and express themselves.  I could think of no other thing I’d rather do. 

I really felt like sharing this today because it’s been bursting inside me.  The process of art is probably my true calling.  Everything else is just gravy, or fluid paint if I want to stick with the theme, lol.

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Turning 48, voracious reading, and a few things I wish someone would have told me…

Aging-I’m now 48…on March 27th, another year clicked into place for me.  This number-48, of all the years in this 4th decade, has had the biggest affect on me.  I love my forties, don’t get me wrong, but now I’m edging towards 50 and I can’t help but feel a little trepidation about it.  In just this last year I’ve noticed changes in my face-subtle ones, but changes no less.  My hair is getting whitish gray in spots and my waist is getting bigger (rats), my joints are achy as hell and I’m feeling just a tad melancholy.  Okay, I hear that fifty is the new forty, but I guess I can’t believe that until I see it.  (In no hurry!)  Christie Brinkley was asked how she keeps her face so young looking (I’m convinced it’s Photoshop) and she was quick to say, “Exfoliate!  I’m always exfoliating my face!”  So, there you have it.  I’m going to go out and get myself some fine grit sandpaper.  Let the exfoliation begin. 🙂

Books-The other day I realized books are one of those things I truly love the most, and I really, really would have a seriously difficult time of it if I had to live without them.  I’m always reading something.  I have been devouring books a lot lately and making frequent trips to the library, too.  Just this month I finished three books and I’m onto my next book.  I think my husband is jealous.  I don’t hold him like I hold a book.  Lol…

Things I wish someone would have told me when I was younger: Okay all you young women reading this…pay attention because I’m giving this advise to you as a gift.  (If you are a guy reading this, pass it on to your young daughters). No one told me these things when I was a young girl-put a high SPF sunblock on your face every day and also put sunblock on your neck and upper chest that is exposed when you wear tops. Also, rub some sunblock into the tops of your hands….religiously.  You won’t regret it.  If you heed these little nudges of wisdom, they may very well save you from having a really jiggly turkey neck when you reach late middle age.  You might also avoid having a sun damaged leather neck.  When you are thinking about how a tan makes you look lovely now, remember that when you reach middle age (and believe me, it gets here faster than you can even imagine), and the elements of your beauty you are taking for grated now begin slipping away, in the course of frantically grasping to get them back, you don’t want to deeply regret all the sun worshipping you did in the past because you now look like an iguana. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

Girls, get your SPF-the higher, the better.
Wear your high SPF religiousy when you're young...

My blog crush for the week is Advanced Style .  It must be the whole getting older thing, but this young, handsome guy who writes this blog has a thing for older women and he scours the streets of Manhattan looking for interesting, beautiful, stylish old women and he snaps their photos and blogs about them.  Love this guy.  He’s helping me in my uneasiness about saying farewell to youth.  I do want to be a lovely old crone and I will….I will be lovely, you wait and see.  (I’ll blog about it in 10 years.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8J6Cjn06kA

A good movie-A dear friend took me to see the new film Jane Eyre this week for a birthday treat.  I read the book and loved it, and I was  so pleasantly surprised to see this film did not disappoint.  It was true to the story line, (in fact, it was almost like the director was inside my head when I was reading it and saw these scenes just as I did!), had beautiful cinematography and Jane was oh-so-plain.  It made me cry at scenes….it was so very touching.  Mr. Rochester was sexy and irresistible,  just like he was in the book.  If you are a Jane Eyre fan, or a lover of Gothic literature this really should be a ‘must see’.  Treat yourself to some overpriced buttered popcorn and soda and settle into a comfy theater seat for a real visual treat.

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“They Came One Night”….Documenting an Orb Sighting

Years ago, when I was around 17, I witnessed what I now believe to be a spectactular thing.  One night after I went to bed and shut off the lights, I saw, hovering above my bed several orbs, going around in a small circle.  It scared the hell out of me.  At first I thought it might be headlights, but my room was situated in a way that it wasn’t possible for that to happen, and I had never seen anything like that before (and I had many years previous in that room).  Then I thought for a second it might be my mom walking around at night with a flashlight.  (The next morning I asked her if she was walking around with a flashlight and she said no, she was asleep).  I closed my eyes in fear hoping they would go away, only to open them and see them continuing in that small orbit over my bed.  Then, scared to death, I pulled the covers over my head hoping they would go away, but no such luck….after a few seconds of hiding, I peeked out and saw them.  They were still there.  I didn’t know what to think.  I imagined these might be angels and maybe it was my time to die.  Were they here to take me to heaven?  Maybe they were ghosts.  I understood that the previous owner had died in the room that had been mine. 

It was a long time ago and I think I  just ducked back under the covers and eventually fell asleep.  To this day I don’t know what they were, or why they were there.  Did they serve some purpose?    I talked to a lady recently who is very spiritual and she told me she thinks those orbs were my ‘spirit guides.’  I’m not sure what spirit guides are, or why we have them or even if they were mine at all. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about that evening 30 years ago.  I still wonder why they came to me-and in a funny way, I feel honored.  I chose to depict my memory of that evening in the form of a painting.  The girl in the bed is me as a young girl, lying there frightened, with the covers pulled up high, transfixed at the sight of glowing orbs hovering in a circle above my bed.  

If you have had a similiar experience or have an idea of what these orbs were and why they might have come to me please leave me a comment.  I have been going over that night in my mind often, still seeking an answer.  Maybe some day I will find out.

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Scandalous women-hearts for Valentine’s day

Lately I’ve been quite taken with ‘vintage women’- famous artists, authors and characters from novels I read.  I particularily love scandalous women because they are just more fun.   I was inspired to make these lovely hearts and decided to grace each one with a photo of one of my favorite ladies.  They can be for Valentine’s day or any occasion, because we all know that love is a part of each and every day.

This heart is one of my favorites, it’s the Sarah Bernhardt heart for all the drama queens in your life.  I made the Daphne Du Maurier heart for a friend of mine for Christmas who loves the novel Rebecca.  If you’d like one they are $22 with shipping, and you can email me, or purchase one at my etsy shop.

Daphne Du Maurier, author of REBECCA
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Be Still…my newest collage painting

Did you ever wish to have a birdie on your shoulder?  If you did, you would have to be very still as to not scare him away.   

This is my newest painting, done today.  I don’t know where these women come from, but they are all inside me, eventually making their way onto canvas.  I can’t help but think she’s a very conservative gal.  Thank you Emily Gooch for the little push.  I needed that. 🙂