What I’m feeling…

This has been a bit of  an odd summer, one that’s left me feeling the vibration of imminent change .  Over the last month or two it has come to reality that my oldest son is beginning to pull away and is readying to start a life on his own.  I don’t know if these changes will happen next month, or in a year from now, but I do know they are on the horizon.   I vacillate between feeling  sad and melancholy to looking on the bright side, and  feeling good about it because it means my life is changing, too.  There are many things for me to look forward to, like finally having an art/sewing room, to less laundry, to more privacy and quality time with my husband.  Of course, the fact that I have four other kids at home means things won’t change that drastically.  But for me, milestones that pertain to my children seem affect me so much more with the first born.  I suppose that’s  the job of the first child- to pave the way for the rest of the siblings to follow, whether it be the first day of school, graduation, leaving the nest or marriage.   The pain in my mommy heart (so far) seems to subside a bit and becomes a little easier to tolerate as each subsequent child makes his way down that path.  I’m sure the last child to venture down will cause the pain to intensify almost as much as it did for the first one because it will  mark the end of motherhood as I know it.  Even though I will always be their mother, they won’t need me as much.  It does hurt a little to face that fact..  Eventually, what I think I will need to help me though this is something else in life to fill my soul with joy, just as my children did all these years.  Maybe that new joy will be grandchildren, maybe it will be a new teaching career and students to tend to, or maybe it will be a new dog.  Who knows?  Of course, having not experienced every child leaving the nest, I can only imagine how it will ache and pain my heart.  Can any of you more experienced mothers lend an insight to what I am going through?

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I’m beginning to set my sights on what’s next for me.  Now that my kids are older, I want to carter a new course in my life that involves a career in the art field.  I’d love to go to work and do something I loved that earned a paycheck.  What bliss!   

I am craving the mess of creativity.  I want to dip my fingers in paint and glue and make art.  I am craving, also, some creative girlfriend time.  This is something I feel with all my soul that I need and I’m feeling depleted.  I need to fill up my creative juices again.  And soon.

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I’m worried about my mother.  She is 80 and has had her second eye surgery for macrel degeneration within two weeks of each other.  Her sight is worse than when she went in, and she’s edgy, cranky and fearful her sight may n ot return.  To some extent, I feel a bit responsible because I encouraged her to have the surgery.  I thought it would go better than it has.  The Dr. says her eye isn’t healed yet.   He says it will get better, but it seems like an eternity when you are looking through a dense fog where only light comes through.  In addition to her eyesight, she is telling me she is having heaviness in her chest.  I am worried for her and need to encourage her to get to a cardiologist.   It’s scary, this life.  Everything can change in one split second.  We all have to hold on to those we love and hug daily and always be sure to say ‘I love you.’   I strongly feel there is change  in the air with my mom, too.  I just hope it is good change.

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3 thoughts on “What I’m feeling…

  1. This sounds like you are getting ready to leap into a creative space. You’ve probably done The Artist’s Way before, but now might be a good time to do it again.

  2. My dad had this surgery in March on each eye. He’s 82. It literally took 2 months for him to see any improvement and it is still not 100% back to snuff. But it does get better, as good as it is going to get, and just takes time. I imagine your mum might be having a bit of panic attacks, losing your sight and being afraid of losing your sight will do it. My dad’s #1 hobby is reading, so he felt quite despondent for awhile about his eyes. Luckily he had invested in enough large-print books over the last year to be able to make out some as he improved. The cardiologist won’t hurt of course, just don’t be surprised if it is panic.

    As far as mothering, the one thing I learned in this vein is that your job as mother doesn’t end, it just changes. My daughter has needed me MORE in the last year than since she was on a sippy cup! Adult decisions. And I am grateful I parented well enough to earn her trust at this point. Crap shoot luck that I did, but hey, I’m owning it! LOLOL

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