Some truths I’ve come to know…

1. No good deed goes unpunished. Hence my problem-After purchasing my almost 21 year old son his second pair of cushy headphones in the same amount of days (he had the first pair for one whole day, left them protruding from his laptop and well, what can I say but, “Snap!”) and I felt bad for him, so I went back to Target and purchased the second pair and surprised him yesterday with new ones because I love him so much and knew he was upset about the first pair breaking. Last night, I called him up in his room and nicely reminded tomorrow is garbage day and asked him if he would take the trash out before he leaves for school in the morning. “No problem Mom!”

Guess who took the trash out this morning? Guess who’s not getting a third pair of headphones?

2. Do not stock up on glue. By the time you use up the first one and get to the 10th one, it will be so thick and useless, it will only be fit for the garbage can. The bottle won’t even be recycleable because it will be so full of thick, impossible to remove glue. Save your money and purchase one bottle at a time. You’ll be glad you did.

3. Buy black. You can never go wrong with black-anything. It’s classic, a neutral, makes you look slimmer and hides the spots. It’s fitting for weddings, casual wear, dogs, cats, turtlenecks and funerals and as you can see, it’s even stunning on Marie Antoinette.

4a. Don’t be afraid to say “No.” Be nice but firm and realize the only person you really need to answer to is yourself. When you knuckle under and say yes to something you really don’t want to do, you are hurting yourself. Unless you are a maschocist and enjoy pain, say no every time you mean it, but find yourself saying yes because you think ‘no’ will be a hurtful answer.

5. You can never have enough TP. While grocery shopping, don’t try to remember toilet paper after you’ve run out. Buy a little bit every time you hit the Walmart, or grocery store. No one wants to get stuck with their pants down, and I’ve found the way it works out is I will be the one staring at an empty, spinning cardboard tube when TP is depleted.

6. Take every opportunity to learn something. No matter what situation you’re in, bad or good, try to learn something from it. If anything, when you’re stuck watching a boring TV program or while you’re sitting in a traffic jam or helping your mother clean out her insufferable attic, distract yourself from the horribleness of the situation by focusing on learning something new.

7. Buy cheap mittens. Don’t pay over $10 a pair for gloves/mittens, because, as we all know, you will inevitably find yourself coming short-one mitten. It’s life, and believe me kittens, you will lose your mittens..and your scarves, and your hats….

“Is this your mitten?”

8. Never miss an opportunity to pee. As a general rule, when you’re travelling, pee any chance you get-especially if you’ve given birth before. Post pregnancy bladders just aren’t the same as they were when we were younger, sans children. When you see a bathroom, use it. I guarantee you something will come out. That way, when you’re stuck in traffic, you can focus on learning something instead of being distracted by your throbbing bladder.

Click on photo to read message:

9. Stop looking. When you misplace something and can’t find it after 10 minutes of looking-stop. As soon as you forget about it, the item will turn up when you least expect it and you will have saved all that precious time you would have spent looking.

10. Shake your light bulbs-not your booty or do both simultaneously. When you’re standing in the store shopping for light bulbs, before you gently toss them in your cart, give them a shake. Listen for tinkles which indicates the filament is broken. If you hear that sound, nix that package and seek out another one-or better yet, hand the bad package to a manager so some unknowing fool doesn’t buy it. Not everyone reads this blog, you know.

11. There are two sides to every story. Sure your best friend’s lover turned out to be an ass and dumped her, but really, wouldn’t you love to hear his side of the sad tale? My husband taught me this and it’s so true. When your knee jerk reaction is to immediately defend someone, think to yourself, “I wonder what really happened that caused things to work out the way they did.” It’s enlightening, really it is. I’m not saying you should doubt what they are saying, just be more open to considering the other side.

For the women below, I wonder why she was considered to be a ‘Bitch’. And really, how bad were her parlor tricks? Ask the Dirty Rotten Scoundrel.