To be thin or not to be thin….this is the question

Yes, this is my question. I am struggling with my weight, knowing full well I most likely will never, ever see a size 7. I don’t think I was that size when I was born….well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration.

In my quest for thinness, I’ve committed myself both mentally and financially to a gym membership. My friend Kim is my inspiration. She is my muse for weight loss. She shed 100 pounds in 9 months by sweating it out at Golds. So, of course, I’m of the mind that if I join a gym and commit myself to it, I should obtain the same results. I’ve been going since December and now, after 4 months, I’m at the point that I feel terrible if I don’t go. I try my hardest to get there 4-5 days a week. I do the elliptical at least 4 times a week. I am now up to 30 minutes per day on this machine, which to me is a major accomplishment. The sweating and ass busting is paying off. I feel incredible. I sleep better and I have so much more energy. However, the weight is slow to leave. If I could just get my eating habits on the right track, hopefully, these unwanted pounds will just slip away. South Beach, here I come…the diet that is.

At my tender age of 44, I keep telling myself this fitness program is primarily for health reasons-you know, to help prevent cancers, heart disease and other dasterdly ailments that somehow develop as a result of being overweight. But in reality, I am determined to get thinner just because I want to look as sexy as I feel. My fourties have been fabulous…I’ve never felt more sexy, smart or self-confident as I do now. In fact, Larry, my husband, finds my new found confidence somewhat of an annoyance. He calls it my ”woman hear me roar campaign.” (I’ll cover that in another post.) I wish I could capture the essence of this state of being. I know I’d make millions if I could bottle it. The ironic thing is, I feel like a thin person. In fact, I think of myself as one. But hahaa! When I look in the mirror, or have my photo taken, what a shocking surprise it is to see a larger woman staring back at me and it really does make me feel uncomfortable.

I do realize I need to make peace with myself because there is a real chance I may never significantly change my body shape. Oh, I’ll probably be much healthier and firmer, no doubt. But the reality is, this blubber may never disappear. So I need to love and embrace the woman I am. I need to accept how I look and accentuate the positive. Although I’m married, it’s comforting to know there are men out there who adore curvey women and would not look twice at a woman with a runway model physique. They wouldn’t trade their curvey women for all the tea in China–or maybe I should rephrase that and say they wouldn’t trade their curvey women for all the thin women in China.

So, tomorrow brings with it my gym appointment with the elliptical machine. It is my friend and I will be faithful to it. But whatever shape my body takes after 1 year of exercising, I do know this. I love myself and I adore the person I am. Having a more mainstreamed, shapely body is just a fancier picture frame for what is a very, very beautiful photograph. Don’t mind me. I’ts just the self-confidence talkin’.