An Imposter syndrome of another kind…

I felt as awkward writing about fashion as this chick feels trying to get her zipper up.

About a year ago, I received an email from an editor at Figure magazine who had been actively searching the internet for a blogger to write for the magazine’s new blog. She came to B&B, and discovered she liked my style of writing and contacted me to ask if given the chance, would I be interested in writing for their website’s blog. I was excited and said sure! After all, writing is something I really enjoy and I was equally thrilled to be asked to be a part of a magazine not to mention something that had to do with being a plus size woman. I asked her what I’d have to do to increase my chances of being chosen out of the other 3 or 4 bloggers they were considering. She told me to just continue to do what I had already been doing and to write about clothing and fashion a bit more.

After being contacted by her, over the course of the year I didn’t get an affirmative answer as to whether they had chosen a blogger or not. It seemed to take forever. They were always in the deciding stage. I didn’t change anything about my writing really. I just did what she suggested and wrote a little bit more about fashion. But it wasn’t an easy thing for me. It was really a stretch for me to write about clothing and fashion sense. After all, I can barely get my own style figured out, much less be an advise giver to others as if I were some kind of fashionista. It almost felt crazy to me and definately out of character. But hey, it wasn’t like I was asked to write about chemistry or something that I didn’t know jack about. Afterall, I am plus size and did know a little about clothing, so I told myself I might actually be able to pull this off. Did I mention I loved the idea of being a part of a magazine? All that year, I tugged with the prospect of getting this writing gig alongside feeling torn, like I wasn’t being true to myself and my readers. I think fashion blogs (please forgive me if you have one) come across as being very surface level and materialistic. I just don’t get much out of them. It might be because I don’t care too much about fashion for fashion sense. I do like clothes, don’t get me wrong, and I believe every woman should have her own style. But, I didn’t want to be one of those blog fashion writers. There were times when I didn’t write about fashion at all, and I felt stressed thinking I wasn’t doing what I needed to convince this lady to choose me. I felt pressured to conform and I hated it. Eventually, as time went on, I decided to stop worrying about it because I just can’t force a blog post from a brain with zero inspiration, and zero motivation for that matter. There were times when I didn’t write for a week or so and I began to feel my magazine blogger opportunity slowing slipping down the toilet.

After all my stress, of trying to do the right thing, I get an email a few months back from this editor, and she informed me in a very roundabout way that she will keep me in mind if any other writing opportunities for me arise-and that they had chosen their blogger. I shrugged it off, put the subject to rest and breathed a sigh of relief. Of course, I was disappointed. But, my stress levels went down to almost nothing at the thought I wouldn’t have to keep writing about something that wasn’t inately interestng to me.

So a few days ago, I stopped in at Figure magazine’s website to see if the new blog had begun and get a glimpse of Lucky B__ch who ousted my chances. I noticed a box on the home page that said, “An important message to our readers.” I clicked on it and to my surprise, I read the magazine was ceasing publication. This economy has taken another bite out of a struggling company, and yet another magazine is going under.

Gazing at my computer screen, I had this thought, “I wasn’t chosen because they found someone better. They didn’t pick me because this magazine is going to cease to exist.” I got a sick little comfort from that. And now, I can return to being myself with no pressure to manufacture blog posts about stuff that didn’t inspire me. Yoga pants, mary janes and simple, basic black tops…that’s me folks. I ain’t no fashion diva. Thank God.