Disgusted, pissed off and disappointed in myself

I’ll get right to it. I stepped on the scale tonight and BAM! I am back up to where I was at my fattest. I don’t look as fat as I was, because I’ve gained muscle, but I’m not looking svelte, either. I’ve failed myself and have fallen off the band wagon. Winter has set in, I’ve become lax in my daily exercising and I’ve not been as careful as I should be when it comes to how much and how often I’m shoving things in my mouth.

I’m so blasted angry. It seems like in the last ten years of my life I have always been teetering on the verge of gaining weight. I can’t contentedly stay at one weight for a long time, no, my body has this desire to pack on the pounds and and get fatter. It seems if I just think about food I gain weight. It’s literally a constant daily battle to get the pounds off and I havn’t been successful, not one iota. I seriously wonder if I’d have to feel hungry every day in order to just keep my weight down. I’m beginning to debate whether its really worth a lifelong struggle to just be thin. I know if I lost 50 or 75 lbs I’d have to fight every day of my life to keep it off. It would creep back up just as effortlessly as my friend shed her pounds. Just as her body desires to be thin, my body seems to desire to be curvy-a seemingly natural state for me.

I have a friend who temporarily gained quite a bit of weight while she was taking some medication. She stayed plump for a couple years until she just recently went off the pills. In what seems like a month or two, the extra weight she gained just effortlessly fell off her and she looks FABULOUS now. Thin, big boobs and beautiful. It was as if her body was reverting back to it’s natural state How does one get those kinds of genes? For me, I’ve crept up as every year has gone by. I’ve increased my activity, but to be accurate I have to say I’m in no way a sitter. I am constantly moving around all day from here to there and only sit down to relax at night. My body seems to want to hold on to these fat cells. I can’t understand it. I’m besides myself with disappointment and feel betrayed by my own body.
So, what is left for me now? What will tomorrow bring? Right now, I’m feeling terrible about myself-me, the advocate for plus size women everywhere, trying to lift them up and help them realize a good body is a healthy body, regardless of size. Tonight, I’m not heeding my own positive words, I just can’t-at least not right now.

What I don’t want is to be obsessed with this need to be thin. I feel myself thinking about it at all times of the day-considering everything I put in my mouth. I do need to go back to square one, restructure my thinking and try out a new game plan. I’m no quitter, but damn it, I’m angry.

I just want all the slim people out there know I hope you realize how lucky you are. To be naturally slim and not have to worry about what you eat must be absolute bliss. For people like me, [and there are thousands of us out there], we struggle from day to day, feeling the guilt and agonizing over eating too much or over not exercising enough. And believe me, the fat gods zap us a pound or two every time we have a slip up. There’s no forgiveness in our world. We hate how our clothing looks on us, and find ourselves constantly checking for new bulges every time we walk past a mirror. We simply look at food and gain weight.

As I sit here feeling fat and worthless, deep inside I do realize I am still a beautiful, good person despite what the number reads on the scale. Right now, there’s just more of me to love. Tomorrow’s another day. Onward.

3 thoughts on “Disgusted, pissed off and disappointed in myself”

  1. awww..hugs to ya Em..it’s a tough row to hoe..I’m doing it too..but we have to trudge on..I walked and it was freeeeezing out yesterday morning..but did it and felt better all day..now today was spent in the car all day..so Tomorrow it’s out again to walk 2 miles..hugs,t


  2. Oh Em,
    My weight has been creeping up too and it’s soo frustrating….I really need to get back to the gym and lift weights…that seems to work for me. Haven’t been since August and walking basset hounds is not exactly a cardio workout 🙂
    I saw this today and thought you should go read it….maybe we can laugh at ourselves just a bit and then reset our compass.
    Big hugs,



  3. I fully understand….I am 61 in years…41 in state of mind but have never been able to keep the weight off. Never….I lose it…sometimes as much as 60 pounds but it comes right back – oh not all at once and I deserved every pound but can’t find a reason for not being able to keep it off. I am never really sitting, always up and down stairs, lifting and moving things all the time. I think I was meant to be ME…just the way I am – overweight but not quite Obese (by my calculations – not the Dr’s) and maybe if I wouldn’t fret about it so much it wouldn’t be so hard to handle. Enjoy your holidays…I am…and January 2009 might just be the right time to do it all over again…Merry Christmas!! Judy


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